Wednesday, January 19, 2011

*Keep on keepin' on*

Recently I've felt this invitation to take a *risk* - big bold ones. Lots. Of. Them.

For awhile now I've thought about living wholly-me. Genuinely, authentically me. Living just the way I was designed to be - unique gifts splashed across the canvas of the everyday life for the world to see. Not holding anything back. Being transparent. Offering my entire-me to be used, even if it means I might have to sacrifice something - a friendship, a relationship with a family member - taking a big risk by stepping out of my comfort zone.

Often times I think I'm too much. Too heady. Too conservative. Too ridged. Too intense. Too Me. And in those times, fear hovers above my head and hangs around like an annoying fly who just won't get the picture that I've had enough with all her buzzing in my ears.

Telling strangers *my story* isn't nearly as scary as telling friends - newbies or have-beens - or even family members. I can't hide from my family. And I can't suddenly de-friend a friend just because her discovery of a nugget of ugly truth about me is now in her purview. I care so deeply about what these people think of me because they will probably stick around, and if they don't - well, that will hurt even more because then I'll really know it's me they turned their back on. It's happened before. As much as I try to peg this, that or the other thing I did as the reason why he doesn't go out of his way to have a relationship with his own first born, I can't figure it out. I can't pin-point exactly how to change so that he'll be more comfortable. And so, my fear continues with others. Their void in my life would be painful. What if I can't figure out what I did that was so wrong?

Yet...the invitation is a big one. It's colorful. It's got my name on it. It was made just for me. I have an opportunity to make a decision that will definitely change my life, and likely so many others, too - if I choose to accept respond to it.

I encourage my son - a child I am charged with helping to become a future man - to make good choices [for him]. The meaning of that statement rings loud as I think of the invitation. This is a choice I can make - a good choice for me. To step out - Boldly. Courageously. Trusting that God has a plan. Exercising my faith - which He gave me.

I've recently been answering that invitation, although I'll admit it's been a bit timidly. I'm afraid of those fears that creep up. Yet, I can't imagine any other way for me to live. This is me.  And so, I will keep on keepin' on. I will keep on because it doesn't stop at one risky decision. If we're really living wholly and uniquely ourselves, each moment is a *risk* to choose not what is popular or comfortable, but what is important and purposeful - even if we don't see it right now.  This is where life blooms - in living free to be ourselves. 

Living free, for me, is taking a risk to finding my art through writing.  As I step out, I pray God will use me in ways only He can.  I pray God will intertwine my life with other lives he created - leading them (and me) closer to Wholeness, Healing, Freedom, Love and Grace for themselves, Peace, and Joy. 

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