the struggle to hope

Father, we come . . . 

You know we don't want to, though.

     a part of us wants to sit in our bed all the livelong day. 

     a part of us wants the covers more than we want You today. 

You know we're mad at You and we struggle to admit it. 

     we ought not to be upset at You. 

     we should trust You. 

You know we're a complicated mess. 

     our hormones do this to us. 

     our humanity does this to us. 

You know we want to shut everyone out.

     we want to lie and say we're fine.

     we want to lie and say we're okay. 

You tell us that our best selves are our real selves. 

     we don't want to let ourselves be messy. 

     we don't want to let ourselves be mucked-up. 

You make us warriors who don't need to hide who we are. 

     we feel a compulsion to put on a certain kind of armor for them. 

     we feel a compulsion to put on a certain kind of armor for You. 

You know we expect a lot of ourselves. 

     we think we see fully. 

     we forget we only see in part. 

You know our fears. 

     we're afraid of going backward. 

     we're afraid we'll forget what we've learned. 

You've given us peace, but only in part. 

     we think it's in full.

     we think it's in whole. 

You've brought us to a glorious place and remind us that this isn't the end.  

  

     we're still human. 

     we're still mess up. 

You've done a remarkable thing in us. 

     we idolize this mere semblance of goodness in us. 

     we idolize this mere semblance of grace in us. 

You show us how it's our feelings we've idolized more than You.

     we've clinched hard to this peace. 

     we've clinched hard to this hope. 

You strengthen us to persevere even when our feelings change. 

     we struggle to trust.

     we struggle to obey.

You discipline us to hope, even when we fear we could be wrong.

     we think we can know everything. 

     we think we can control everything. 

You love us as the messy creatures we are. 

     we forget our hope won't be perfected in this world.

     we forget our self won't be perfected this side of Heaven.

You know we're disappointed and sad. 

     we expected something. 

     we expected certainty. 

You never said we'd have comfort, though. 

     we're angry because we wanted that. 

     we're sad because we wanted that.

You never said we'd have certainty, either. 

     we hope with stilted confidence. 

     we hope with steady fear. 

You know our tendency to shut You out. 

     we stepped and hoped and we're disappointed again.

     we stepped and obeyed and we're distracted again. 

You help us to trust You and come, as our raw-real selves. 

     we need You to help us to accept Your will and trust.

     we need You to help us to hold onto our cup and hope.

amen.