Tuesday, January 7, 2014


I've lived in fear for so long that gripping life tight and being intensely focused on what I thought I should do became a habit that was hard to break.

I wasn't sure why I lived this way; it always felt so natural.

     God kept nudging me to loosen my grip. 

I'd resist and declare: this. is. how. i. am! I didn't think I could change and thought I was doing everything right.

Being humbled makes everything feel like it's crashing around you. It made me imagine an Earthquake and wanting to push back the pictures and the dishes on the wall as I realize everything is shaking.

We aren't born with octopus-like arms, though, and we can't tend to both the walls and everything else crashing on our very selves. We have to choose to loosen our focus and to trust that even though it feels like the walls are crashing down, whatever may happen won't make all of who we are dissolve. We have to do this to live in peace.

Because, peace-choosing is all about releasing our wants and accepting what is.

To trust that the experiences we've lived (and live) won't be wasted, frees us from all the trying to create sense out of everything. We find rest here.

I've lived restless. And I've tried to figure out why and what I'm doing wrong to have this angst in my heart. I've tried to be content and counted what I've daily unwrapped as gifts. Still, there is a restlessness within me and try as I may it won't go away.

I see now that it's not discontent.

I've been restless to pursue hope, no. matter. what.

It's risky because it most assuredly will bring pain and disappointment. I can't control the outcome and that's the thing.

Still, I am restless for this.
"He is the builder of our dreams. We bring Him our blank canvases, hand them over, and say, whatever you must create to display your glory, do it." (Jennie Allen)
God has been chasing me. Wanting to be my every.thing, He has gently pried my fingers off of the reigns that have falsely given me the idea I'm in control. He continues to shift my focus off me and onto Him. He has helped me to serve just Him; not me or my comfort.

I want whatever He wants these days . . . though part of my hope, admittedly, is to be comfortable and to not hurt. And it's scary because I know myself; I know I want comfort sometimes more than I want His will. But I won't get comfort and life is hard and unfair.

     All in life is for purpose, though. I believe this.
     And I long for Him widen my capacity to trust.

Restlessness in me remains and I know I have been crafted with passions that each day stirs up. I've been purposed to leave a fingerprint, a stamp of His glory.

I'm restless for us all to loose our control . . . for us all to lead others closer to peace and rest by encouraging our Real-selves to live out. 

Like Jennie, I am restless for us all to not waste our days staring at ceilings wondering if there is more, any longer . . . . .

     for us all to . . . take the threads of [our] life and go live like it.

And so, I dare to declare that we each are commissioned to loose us and choose Him, to pursue hope and accept what.ever. is now and what.ever. may be.

Together, might our worship be to step up to the table, boldly Be who we are . . . and with sensitivity to His prompting, loose our idea of what and who we should be.

Let's do this life. Let's run into our restlessness.

this is our worship.

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