Tuesday, January 14, 2014

no more puzzles for me

Tendencies and habits are becoming ever more loose. That word has been following a lot these days and I wonder if there will be a time when I don't sputter it out nearly every other word.

I'm shifting and settling into a more restful place: More trust. Less fear-focused gripping on life.

Until this moment I have habitually intensely focused on connecting the dots of the experiences of my life and tried to figure out how all the puzzle pieces fit. I've been frustrated -- restless -- because I can't figure it out with certainty and sometimes not even with cautious optimism, so I've several times wanted to give up on even trying.

When unintended job candidacies have appeared and I've said yes to considering them, only to have hope feel like a rug that has been pulled out from under me, I've felt confused and I've struggled with thinking God is just cruel. I've felt tricked, to be honest, and not good enough, like I failed the test.

I got too afraid to {pursue} hope

I wanted order and certainty and to know how each piece was going to fit.

I habitually asked myself: How does this moment and these dreams even connect? 

I've pined for control and it's been a faith thing as I've struggled to trust.

Life shouldn't feel so chaotic. Right?
We should have order and organization. Right? 
Problem solving is important. Right?

It isn't wrong to want these things. Is it? 

: : : 

Life is fragile and it could change in a blink of a second and realizing this brings with it an enormous sense of urgency to not waste a single moment; to do as I am led: to accomplish with success and to make a positive difference.

But, there's also an importance in acknowledging God's got it.

There's rest in the surrender of trying to solve and figure everything out. 

I don't want my fear of whatever He wills to compel me and drive me to have such order to my steps that I say no to the things that just seem out of place or out of shape. Because, all fits.

Nothing is meaningless, not one crooked-seeming piece.

Just as I know every color, shape, and size fits in this world, so too does every moment and experience.

When I feel a nudge to invite her to coffee, or her to lunch, or him to meet with me, I'd much prefer to step with confident assurance, trusting He purposes all things; rather than act like a factory assembly-line worker, examining for similarities and inspecting for cross contamination.

He's calling me to just do the next thing -- what.ever. it is.

So, however wacky or seemingly disconnected to the last thing, I'm going to step into this next thing; I have to, because if I don't, I just won't feel right. And I know this, because of the peace I receive when I just step, wait, and see.

Though the visions I have may just be a glimpse of what He really intends, and what my heart sees now may not actually come to be, I can trust that He isn't tricking me, He isn't cruel, and even a glimpse won't be wasted or meaningless.

     All is grace. As it is. 

(So I'm done with this puzzle. I've never been good at these things, anyway.)

this is my worship.

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