Monday, June 3, 2013

on letting go [raw and unedited]

this is the one that's hardest to write.

the one where i fear i'll talk in circles or vagueries and where i might sound just so over the top. you'll call me a type a and we'll both joke and inside i'll be wounded by this. because, being classified as a type doesn't fix how i feel, or my tendencies, or what struggles i face: struggles that i know we all face but so many of us are so damned afraid to admit it.

we all are a bit intense and we all have a tendency of over thinking Every. Thing. sometimes.

so here i am, faced with having declared that i feel compelled to do something and calling it God-sized and now it feels like my life just took a complete 180. the very thing i surrendered to -- painfully and excruciatingly -- is now suddenly a very real possibility. God is funny like that.

if i've learned anything in my life it's not to plan. yet, there are still tendencies that i have to plan. compulsively plan. it's become a joke in my family and when i'm not planning i'm looking the complete opposite way and appearing in la-la land: mrs. can't commit.

part of my non-committal might be fear.
part of the excruciating part of surrender might be fear and pride.
part of my craziness might be . . . fear, pride, and well, a little bit of crazy.

when i have my hands all over my life it's like trying to butter a wet turkey, or cut a round melon. every thing feels like it just flops and drops all over the place.

i become a slave to control -- the attempt to keep every thing just so, just right, and just the way i want it. it's exhausting.

i want to experience freedom even more than i have ever experienced it before. i want to let go. and the only way is to commit -- my marriage, my parenting, my husband, my children, my friends and friendships, my writing, my work, my body, my fertility, my future, my very life -- all to Him.

i needn't worry or be anxious about any thing. i can give thanks, because he works all things for me. he truly does. i can believe this.

he loves me so much that he allowed my crazy to happen -- for me to whirl and twirl in exhaustion -- so that i'd fall to my knees in surrender.

so i'm letting go. one more finger is pried open. and one more is better than none.


: : : 

I wrote this post on a Friday afternoon. It's my truest reflection of what was percolating in my heart. And it was after a conversation with a dear friend who speaks truth and helps me to See the One who matters most. These words are unedited and a bit whimsy, yet I completely trust that they are necessary. My prayer is for you to See Him, too. Rich blessings . . . 

Share your heart . . . add a comment below.


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  1. Amy, Yes! I know this same feeling is stirring in so many women, including me. Thank you for sharing honestly so that we can all know we are not alone in this feeling.

  2. I do not come to your blog often due to time and life, but every time I do, I feel so blessed. You always so unmistakenly and beautifully show us your heart and I love that about you and your blog. Your writings always touch a tender place in my heart, make me really think about my relationship with Christ and always draw me back to Him gracefully. Thank you for sharing who you are so intimately.

    1. To hear that my words drew you to Him is an answer to my prayer. It's the only reason vulnerability is worth it -- for Him. Amen.

  3. oh, dear Amy. i'll take the unedited you any day. vulnerable is beautiful, and someone wise once told me that "choosing to be me is worship."
    i love that you're choosing to be you ... out loud.

    1. I'm learning that this is what it means to give up our very lives and follow Him. I wish it wasn't so hard.

    2. I'm with Kelli. I feel drawn in by these words and I am honored to have you share them here, with us.
      Your willingness to be vulnerable creates connection and, as we are learning together, that is what we all desire---connection.

    3. Yes, connection. I breathe this truth in. Thank you, Holly.