Wednesday, January 11, 2012

developing the habit of Courage

He tells me that I appear unhappy.

Questioning my past month, he suggests that if [he] took a straw poll of the office, the majority would say that Amy is unhappy.

I find offense to this and think out loud, People are talking about me?!

It's obvious, he says. And I know.

How I feel isn't masked. 

It never has been.

My emotions are splashed across my face and living mimics my heart.

Feeling uncomfortable, I can't help but cry. The tears just rain down.

I've been discovered. Finally, I've been discovered. Now what?

As painful as it is to be called out, my spirit quietly celebrates the finding of my heart. Yet, I'm afraid that what is *now* will always be, even though when I choose trust I know otherwise.

Angst has been a part of my days for the past few months.
I tell him that it's true, I've been struggling.

Still, though, a restful night's rest awakens me to a rough start.
I take offense to that accusation that I'm not happy.

People toss that word around to and fro, interpreting it differently each time.

Who says I'm not happy? 

Truth is, I feel the happiest I've ever been.

He has no clue. Hardly anyone takes the time to know *Me* to understand.

For me, happiness blossoms with each changing season.
     It grows and magnifies.
     It becomes something more than it was before.

How I define happiness today is with one word--Peace.

I've never felt more *Me* before in all of my life. 
     And this has birthed freedom for living

I've tasted Grace, witnessed it firsthand with each blessed moment.

I've rolled in Joy, over and over again--and not because of circumstance.

I've laughed.
     And surely I've cried.
          Overwhelmingly, I've been glad.

Angst comes over the recent affirming of what I've known for so long, and shame haunts me, leading me to slow and hunker down low.

I don't want to be noticed. Attention isn't for my seeking.
Leading here, at this place, in this position--surely, isn't truly Me.

The whisper of shame tells me that I should have known better than to say yes to this.

Though I know there is purpose in Now and where I am, doing what I am doing, my heart knows there's more.

Colleagues have made a career three decades over out of what I do.
Part of me tells me I'd be stupid for ever leaving it. And yet, I feel otherwise.

I'd be that if I stayed. Because, this just isn't Me.

*This* isn't the be all and end all of who I am. 
*This* is just a. part. of my story. 

I believe this with every ounce of who I am.

Anxiety grows when I wonder what this means. That I've discovered my burnout strengths have been exercised and not those giftings that give me energy and passion, I wonder how I'll ever become anything Different.

I don't want to soar in *this job* because I know there's more.

Fear keeps my trust at bay.

He acknowledges how I think I'm in the wrong job, and he disagrees.

As my boss, he is trying to develop a program, a team who do a great job at our charge. Once my mentor and now my boss, he isn't as invested in Me as he once was. This evolution saddens me.

Navigating through what this all means requires the time that living provides.

And I'm scared.

This ride isn't fun.

I remember back to when I was a young child and entered an indoor amusement park ride with my dad, not knowing exactly what it was.

I think of the fear I felt then--the sheer panic and wanting off before the ride even started. Dad, make them let us out! 

I couldn't get out then. And I can't now.

Trust is required.

This ride is for me *Now*.

I don't know for how long, but there isn't another one in sight.

I am called to do my best at this one, living in wonderment that there's another one down the pike--some. where. some. time.

Being found out only makes me long for change that much more.
And yet, I seek the courage to trust in the timing of his discovery of Me.

Because that's what it is--my boss has discovered *Me*.

It all happened because my Father reached me. He got my attention.
I {finally} began to listen. I began to live at a cadence written for me.

Never before feeling as *Me* as I do now makes him question what's wrong and totally miss the discovery.

I'm finding myself--the Beloved who is loved for who she is, and not what she can do. I no longer chase his approval and seek his opinion.

I find Rest in my own story of living.

The transition from living for them to living for Him, honoring who He made me to be--it changes people to See.

This past year it has changed me. I've been uncomfortable and questioned over and over again whether it's okay to swim in this Grace-to-be-Me.
     And finally...finally I've begun to find Rest *here*.

I am at Peace for *who* I am, more of the time. That's progress.
It's Different lived out in the *whirl and twirl* of the days.

Different really does gets noticed. Eventually.

This year I am practicing a new habit of trust.

It begins with choosing Courage.
     And today, it's to be *Me*--fully.


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