life lessons and the spirituality of potty training

"There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." -- C.S. Lewis

Sitting cross-legged is typically reserved for the solitude of my morning meditation and yoga. Most days, I'm standing up at a desk. So on day five of potty training Lil' Boy-Man, it was no wonder my knees were a bit stiff and achy. 

I spent a lot of time on the bathroom floor that week, coaching and waiting--and, singing. And to be honest, I remember spending a lot of time wavering a bit with just how much I should even speak at all.

In some sort of sing-song fashion, I distinctly heard the most remarkable words come from my mouth and saw an equally stunning smile come across my son's mouth in response:

"I take care of my body by doing what it asks of me . . . because I love it."

Tears welled in my eyes in surprise over the very words that I was singing. 

Back then, I struggled (immensely!) with slowing down, and being kind and gentle toward myself felt like a foreign language or seemed like an impossible talent for someone other than me. 

Each day, I made it my mission to kick my own butt each morning before the world got a chance, preparing myself to fight relentless battles. 

A beloved at-home yoga teacher says: "Find what feels good". The spirit of her words guided me off the mat, right there in the bathroom as I was coaching my two-year-old to listen and do what his body needed, fully knowing it wasn't what he wanted to be spending time doing.

I'd surprised myself a lot in that season. Unintentionally, I had withdrawn to care for myself through some deep grief. Without meaning to, I had disappointed two important people in my family. The loss we had experienced was about so much more than words may ever describe, and it just happened to coincide with the first time in my life that I finally decided to be truthful to myself about my needs. 

The day had come when it was time to allow myself healthy boundaries for self-care, and to give myself the space necessary for the loosening of my roots as I reckoned with coming free from all that I had outgrown.  

Shame had tried to gnaw at my shirttail and grasp ahold of my ankle in awareness of how my actions had hurt people I loved without my intention. 

Never enough. Too much. Selfish. 

The taunting and name-calling became my identity. 

To become new in my mind and in my rhythm for life necessitated a shedding. 

A friend told me then that molting is a necessary part of the growing process for lobsters and that they won't grow much more once their shells get hard. I could sense a similar thing was happening to me. 

It took a strength beyond the stories of my mind to discover that maybe there is a truth I needed to live out. Maybe I really was under no obligation to always explain myself, even to myself. 

Accepting my own decisions is absolutely mission-critical to living my own life.

It's been four years since I made a choice to leave one place and give myself space to take good care of myself and safely grieve all that I lost. That day had come just as quietly and suddenly as the day it seemed right to transition Lil' Boy-Man out of his crib into a big-boy bed, and out of diapers and into big-boy underwear all in the same week. I didn't even really think much about any of it, I just did what felt like the next right thing. 

living faithful

 

We start out with a desire for something we have never done before and hope in our hearts for a vision of what we think we can do. We begin all gusto until it becomes clear that there will be work required of us, and it will be far more uncomfortable than we really want to deal with. 

It's when the effort becomes so evident, that we start to change our minds about how badly we want something. 

But we've got this decision we made and now we have to deal with it in some way. 

Do we quit entirely? No, that'd be too humiliating. 

What if we back off just slightly so that it's barely noticeable? We'd still be getting through it and wouldn't be considered a quitter that way. 

The choice to back off or coast without pushing through something we no longer want is so tempting. 

Though we can change our minds, there are only certain times when the window is open for that. 

To be in situations in which we no longer want what we initially were so excited about and to notice our effort wane, and to seek strength to endure anyway and simply remain committed is to honor our trust and to live by faith. It is to trust that strength will rise up in us. It is to believe that we have not come to the limit of our ability to press on and endure to completion. 

When Jesus told His disciples to give up everything and follow Him, they had no idea how difficult or uncomfortable it would be. 

There are stories of real humans changing their minds and their enthusiasm diminishing once their assumptions became a different reality. 

In the middle of a heatwave is not the time to open the windows. The same is true when we're feeling as though the vision we had is being burned in an incinerator. 

Just because it's hard or we are bored or feeling tired, or it's not panning out to look the way we thought it would, doesn't mean it's time to quit at the thing. And just because what we envisioned doesn't appear to be realistic doesn't mean the thing is wrong or bad for us. 

There's a verse in the Bible where Jesus says to those of us who are tired and weary to come to Him. He says that He will give us rest. Perhaps we could take that to mean rest from the quitting mindset that we are so tempted to succumb to every time it doesn't look like we thought it would. Maybe Jesus said that He would give us rest from thinking we can't go on and that He will give us the mental stamina--rest from the thought that we need to rely on our own inner reservoir. 

When reality tells us that our vision was inaccurate, it doesn't necessarily mean that we made a mistake.

If God allows us to be in it, He will get us through it--either by providing a way out like a breakup or allowing us to break a leg. Or, maybe the way He will help us through is by changing our minds about whatever it is that is wearying us to go on. 

He will help us through by giving us strength beyond our capacity to wield on our own. 

At the point when we realize reality is different than we thought it might be, to choose to push anyway is to be faithful--to live full of faith--in trust that our effort is producing something good and that we will be helped through. 

Just because it doesn't appear how we envisioned doesn't mean it's wrong for us and cannot be used as a part of our growth, and beyond us perhaps other people in ways we cannot even begin to imagine. 

To persevere even though it's not turning out or appearing as we imagined, that's faithfulness. And faith is what Jesus asked of us--to walk with Him, into the unknown, and to keep walking even though it'll be uncomfortable and will require effort to persevere.

When we shift from trying to preserve our ego and chasing an outcome and instead decide to remain committed--even though the cost is significant and it's not fun anymore--that's when something holy happens in us; that's His Kingdom come in us, on Earth as it is in Heaven. 

Our commitment to growing our faith in what is unseen is what matters most. 

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"These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." -- James 1: 7

an invitation to a social project

There's this vision that I have of a movement of humans all across the world making a choice that is truly transformational in the way they do and experience life.

People all over the world are tired and worn out in life. 

Drug use is at record levels, both prescriptions and otherwise, by people of all types and classes. It's also evidenced in the profound use of alcohol, especially the go-to wine in the evening after the day and often even in the day that has become a socially acceptable answer to everything from celebration to struggles.

And then there's the depression and emotional taxation of life that has wearied and burdened people to the point of not knowing what other choices they have and how they can possibly even get out of bed.

Parents are avoiding confrontation with their kids because the conversations are always so tough and life always feels so hard. Young people are feeling lonely and as though they've been abandoned by their own family, left by themselves to sort out their confusion and fear of what they see happening all around them by themselves, and coming to the point of feeling like life isn't worth it. Parents often don't even know what their kids are doing, how late they're staying up, what they're eating, or most especially--how they are feeling.

People all over the world are too exhausted to be honest about the truth of how they feel. 

Make-up on and hair coloring is an expected social norm in an attempt to coverup the effects of life that may give signs of weakness. People are doing whatever it takes to present themselves as though they've got it all together.

To face the truth about feelings feels too uncomfortable.

To do the work of unearthing the thoughts that have burdened them feels too exhausting.

The mere idea that it is possible to live at rest makes a person's salivary glands go into overdrive and tingle at the back of their jaw. People are hungry for rest but have sensory overload even thinking about it.

          What if people all over the world decide to accept life as it is, instead of fighting it?

          What if people all over the world decide to accept their own selves as they are--
               instead of fighting their own truth and hiding and pretending?

          What if people all over the world decide to accept the gift of love--
               without trying to prove themselves as worthy?

          What if people all over the world decide to lay down their stories--
               of regret, hurt, disappointment, resentment, anxiousness, and fear?

          What if people all over the world decide to accept that they belong, as they are?

          What if people all over the world decide to accept each experience--
               trusting that all is meant to serve?

          What if people all over the world decide to accept each other's differences--
               seeing one another as a teacher?

          What if people all over the world decide to accept the storm--
               trusting that it is producing something beautiful, as brutal as it may feel? 

          What if people all over the world decide to accept life--as it is? 

          What if people all over the world decide to accept themselves--and live as they are? 

The vision that I have of this movement of people making a life-transforming choice is a social project called The C'est La Vie Project.

This project is a creative coming together of people forming communities that are so close they are like family. People actually dare to open up the tent flaps of their heart, inviting others inside--people who they know, and who they don't know; people like them, and people who are different. In this coming together, people share and then listen to each other's truth without judgment.

I imagine this project of being together in family feeling like being at home in which people kick their shoes off and put their feet up and sigh with relief that they can simply be, as they are.

C'est La Vie as I describe it is a truthful reflection of life as it is. It's an invitation to come and get to know the real one another in which love is shared, experienced, and known. It's a tool for connection--an answer to the hunger of wanting to be seen, known, and accepted.

The C'est La Vie Project is an invitation to share the unique ways we curate our life, as though we are living magazines--a dare to live sprawled out, as we are.

This, I imagine.

best year

As I look back one year from now, I lived my best self in 2019.

I freely showed up as I am in every moment, and experienced greater joy, ease, and confidence in my natural self.

Throughout all kinds of conversations, I spoke freely from my center. I felt at ease and open to whatever anyone had to say, grateful for our connection and for learning a new perspective.

While listening to others, I held space for them to share without feeling the need to control their feelings. I honored the birthright and freedom of all to choose their own life experiences.

In leading a group of staff to bring their natural selves to our collective efforts, I managed our workflow free from the pull of expectation of all that needs to be just right.

I made decisions with confidence, humility, calm, patience, and respect.

Without feeling the need to know it all, get it all done, or have it all figured out, I was able to learn and grow from more senior-level professionals.

I cast deliberate invitations to involve others in my and my family’s life, openly sharing our interests without needing to be understood or shared.

The genius best work I created in 2019 had a positive effect on making a better world especially for my husband and our two children, for my staff and colleagues, and for my extended family.

I was stretched by the challenge of confidently trusting my innate self, and taking control of the ways I affect the world around me.

Throughout the year, I learned to be my own unique self in life, and intentionally generated thoughts around my relationships and life circumstances to create the experiences that to me reflect a good life.

The one important habit that I dropped was regularly seeking validation from others and fighting against who I really am, thereby replacing it with cultivating a quiet confidence that I am capable for whatever life is presenting to me.  

2019 was truly a year in which I lived my best self.

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#WeQuest #BestYear

on freedom of choice and richness of life

I've often said that I run "because I can". At this moment, the same goes for my choice to pursue a new job and making plans to relocate my family to another state. My husband and I are doing this for one simple reason: because we can.

Life doesn't present itself as a neat package tied in a bow. It isn't always something we unwrap with the excitement of it being what we've always wanted or thought that we need. It isn't always predictable or convenient. 

Sometimes we decide to accept an offer for a new job and resign from another and travel hundreds of miles away while leaving behind a house and an extended family and friends and a town, all of which are lovely in practically every way, while the house remains mortgaged and unoccupied and relationships with the extended family sometimes remain wounded and dangling.

Sometimes after ten years of feeling certain that there would be two children and the second finally being conceived, the excitement to do it all over again wanes. Age and tolerance and openness and patience change.

Life isn't always easy to accept. 

People make choices that affect us -- sometimes infinitely so. We wrestle and shrug and cower and shout and numb because it's what feels easiest. Fear and anxiety and frustration and sadness feel too heavy sometimes so we think that relationships or life itself, just isn't worth the fight.

In spite of our efforts to control our experiences in life (and even our children's lives), the unexpected happens and so, too, grief. And while we may think that we've succeeded for a while at controling our feelings, our discomfort in life returns, thereby bringing us into a frenzy of reaching for anything that might make the merry-go-round to simply stop. The grief from all that isn't as we want it to be or think it ought to be can feel too much and we grow weary that our feet just cannot seem to find the ground.

Young people are looking at the older generations for affirmation that life is worth it. Their world is anxiety-ridden and while we feel it, the pressure they face isn't in our purview anymore. An older person can say that she can relate and that she understands but the truth is that she cannot. It doesn't matter how old a person is, no one can understand another person and their choices or motivations or feelings.

Judging people because of their choices and their feelings cuts us off from any kind of relationship with them. When we make assumptions about someone based on a story we craft about them we are acting as though we've already got them figured out. The need to listen for understanding is decided to be irrelevant.

Casting judgment on others and maintaining surface-level assumptions keeps us from connecting, plain and simple. Perhaps the possibility of identifying with a person and connecting with them feels too scary. Or perhaps the impulse to judge has just become so ingrained in a person's way of being that it's become an addiction.

Why people make the choices that they do is usually not about anyone else. 

Questioning the loyalty of someone when they make a life decision, whether it be an employee, a friend, or a family member, simply isn't fair to anyone.

People make choices. Some people have more freedom than others to make certain choices.

Sometimes a choice produces the desired outcome it was intended and sometimes the intention gets derailed by some other power. Still, people make choices. Every day, in every possible permutation, people make choices. It's the birthright of a human to make choices and that's why people all over the world get riled up when that right to choose is taken away from a person.

I've listened and watched as people have said that they wanted to make choices of all different sizes whether it be related to their health, their family, their jobs, their geography, their relationships, or even their life. It's seemed wrong to accept certain choices people have made. I've found myself wanting to put boundaries on certain choices people make claiming my assumption to be of necessity.

The one thing we can all relate to as we live human experiences is the innate inner drive to choose. 

We can be educated about the positive and negatives and the potential consequences of making certain choices and still the spirit living the human experience will make her choice "because she can".

Freedom. There's always a responsibility on the other side of every choice. And while we can be mindful of how our choices affect others, the quality of the relationship we have with peace in our life, and the ease with which we surf the unpredictable waves, starts and ends with our own self. I have yet to meet a person who doesn't want that for herself.

May we set aside our assumptions and judgments of others and with a spirit of generosity open our hearts and minds to the choices of others . . . and may our lives be ones of richness and depth, and our gift to others be for the same.

getting to live

Morning solitude is a way of life for me. Like breathing, it's a must. While the house sleeps and my beloveds are still, I get to tend to my own self without the distractions or requests of others. I spend time meditating in stillness and I feel energy coursing through my veins. I listen closely to what is happening just below the surface. This is nourishment for me and an everyday non-negotiable by which I operate. In addition to the soul-nourishing, the early morning often finds me physically-nourishing my self with regular exercise and again, this is a non-negotiable most days of the week. I've learned the ways and importance of self-care.

For me, these days are about less forcing and pushing and shoving, and more about gentleness and kindness and caring. What I don't do, though, is take these fingers to the keyboard often enough. While I hear my own heart and try to notice the ways she leaves her prints on the world, there's a certain something that stirs as I allow myself to sing through words that aren't interrupted by the thoughts and perspectives of another. I've kept quiet and still in this space for far too long.

So much has been captivating my attention these days; so much goodness that I am often so overwhelmed with gratitude that I can barely even utter a sound. I'm also nearly bursting with excitement at the possibilities that I don't even know exist. There's a readiness for something different and while I am anxious to get there already, I'm not sure exactly what or where it is that I'm anxious to actually get to already.

After living for so many years with a constant need to know what way I should go and what I should do and what I should say and what I should feel . . . it's time that I ask myself what it is that I actually want.

It's remarkable how the very question makes me feel frozen-solid and mud-stuck at the same time. It's as though I can see clear through the ice to the glob of mud that encases my boots. When I get through the thawing, there will still be a muckiness to slog through, which feels so heavy and unending in its energy demand.

What do I want? 

     

     What do I want? 

          

          What do I want? 

Not knowing the answers to these questions is itself exciting. I get to ask myself these questions and it almost seems wrong to answer them. I look over my shoulder to see if there's someone running after me with a warrant for my arrest. It's really true that I get to ask myself the questions, and the best thing of all is that I get to answer them however I want.

Where I would go if I could go anywhere?

What would I do if I could do anything?

What do I want to say if I could say anything?

What do I want to feel if I could feel anything? 

These are unbelievably delicious questions to consider. Their answers aren't the point as much as the actual getting to ask them of my Self. I'm nearly speechless.

It used to scare me to ask myself questions because I was so afraid that I'd answer wrong or that my answer would make me "bad". It was as though I lived pent-up in a little box that was suffocating and slowly killing me. I'm so done with with this way of thinking. It's as though I woke up one morning and decided that it's time to get out of this flipping hell-hole of a boxed-life that resembles death more than living.

Nowadays, I am devoted to honoring process and to listening long enough for gratitude to surface, trust to warm, and wonder to overwhelm me. When there's some sort of ache or dull pain, or I feel anxiousness or fear, I serve myself well by deliberately staying with it and opening my heart ever more to the existence of these types of feelings. Closing off, running away, or avoiding giving my attention to these feelings doesn't actually make me feel better.

I've found that when I sit and notice the ways I am holding my shoulders up high, tightening my tongue, and holding tight my legs and toes, there's a freedom to be found in simply letting go even a little bit. By giving attention to the areas that irritate me in some way I am giving them permission to exist, to be seen and to be heard.

The more I try to avoid or ignore or control, the more irritated I feel. When I stop flitting about, kneel down, put my hand on my back and rub gently, there's a stilling that happens way down deep. Giving permission for the feelings and the expressing is the kindest thing I could do for myself. Instead of shaming myself or trying to squelch what is naturally being communicated, I get to allow it to exist and I even even get to give it space to be as it is without trying to change anything.

What's blown my mind recently is the concept that I don't always owe someone an explanation for what I do or why I do it. It is my birthright to choose how I want to live. I'm downright floored by this and giddy with excitement at how drastically different my experience with life is now and will be going forward. 

I get to live. I really get to live.

a best self kind of year

The time is one year from now and I am reflecting back on how I have shown up for 2018.

I think about how I've trusted my inner voice more this year. Decisions that I make are fueled by the warmth of my inner knowing of what is best for me at the moment. I reflect on the restful state of being that I have felt and in the unfolding of life.

Life. People. My Self. 

This is what I have shown up for in 2018.

     By letting it be . . .

          the moment . . .
          the experience . . .
          the feeling . . .
          the thought . . .

I have surrendered my effort in imagining how life will go and trust the unfolding of life. 
     
     By letting them be . . .

          their tone . . .
          their concerns . . .
          their perspective . . .
          their choices . . .

I have surrendered my opinions on how they live and trust their birthright to choice.

     By letting me be . . .

          my struggles . . .
          my thoughts . . .
          my wants . . .
          my being . . .

I have surrendered my judgment of how I live and trust freedom in living.

There's a relaxed sense that accompanies me when I am around people. Conversations have been discoveries to see from their vantage point. I have seen my being present with others as a gift to learn while giving people space to react as their most natural self.

Conversations with others are opportunities for me to experience as I celebrate our connection. I relax into them and listen to learn about people's perspective while giving them permission to react and think, as they view life from their vantage point.

When disagreement, misunderstanding, or questioning happens during conversations, I assume there is something for me to know. I give myself permission to have my view while extending respect to others for theirs.

In reflecting on 2018, I notice how I have left life alone. 

I have made space in my heart for whatever unfurls and trusted that there is space for all of life. The muscle tensing and twitching to meddle with life has been replaced by a calmness that has warmed my heart and inspired others to calm, too.

Lecturing, worrying, and intervening in other people's way of living, choosing, and doing has been replaced with celebrating, encouraging, and allowing the raw, real nature of others as they are Now.

Worrying about what people might think about my ideas, perspective, behavior, and any of the other ways that I leave my fingerprints, have been replaced with allowing myself to feel joy, happiness, serenity, and contentment for where I am at Now.

This past year has felt a lot like riding a bicycle with no hands and my arms opened wide. Even as the wind blew, potholes appeared, the road twisted, and the terrain changed, I was uninhibited by the uncertainty and sat firmly trusting life and my living it.

Life is Good. 

I have reflected this belief throughout the year as I honored where people are at and met them where they are, trusting that we are all perfect for Now -- for this moment, as it is.

My biggest goal was to no longer need to feel as though I belong anywhere, instead to know that I belong wherever I am. What this required of me was to diligently and deliberately focus on Trust. An immense amount of energy is necessary to build muscles and this was worth it, 100%.

By honoring life as it is, and sharing openly with the people who come into my life, I am happier and I can be more helpful to others in sharing the joy and peace that overwhelms me.

By asking "What if . . . ? " and surrendering to life -- whether it be to what I experience or who I experience -- I am living properly.

This has been a year of showing up on purpose. 

It has been a year in which I trust that I inspire others to live their raw, real life as they are by my own openness of my heart that appreciatively, bravely, and confidently shares, declines, and raises my hand when necessary . . . all the while being open with wonder at whatever transpires and bravely trusting that I always belong.

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Inspired by Jeffrey Davis,
Katie Daleabout, Caroline Adams Miller,
Ishita Gupta, and Charlie Gilkey.

Quest 2018

#WeQuest #BestYear #Purpose #DreamDone